17th April ’20. Day 25 of Isolation.

Yesterday, the message changed on the news. Now? Everyone’s at risk, all ages: stay at home.

They could make the message resonate more: “stay home and bake”, “stay home, sew, use the garden rake”, “stay home, learn, change your fate”, “stay home, Houseparty mates”, “stay home, Skype date”, “stay home, sleep late”, “stay home in a drunken state”, “stay home, procreate”, “stay home, masturbate”, “stay home, get 10K”, “for fuck’s sake, stay home”.

I woke at 4:10am with the urge to pee and the desire to message the only two men I’d ever romantically loved. I noticed their names were the same except the first letter, and the rest of their names ironically rhymed with the meditative aum.

Aum.

The hum and dribbling noise of the fish tank sounded extra loud. Too loud. I was unsettled, had the regular nightly headache, and night-paranoia convinced me of gas poisoning. My brain would be prawn-meat by morning.

Aum.

I’ll always wonder why for those two men I was never enough.
Aum.
Why for me they were life-quakes?
Aum.
A man who rejected me had created yearning, a feeling of want, of need. Obsession?
Aum.
When I was little, Dad was never at home and I used to want him SO much. I realised reading The General Theory of Love (by Lewis, Amini and Lannon) that, that was my love pattern. It was the same feeling. Soon as I understood I was ready to change it, but that wasn’t easily done.

Aum.

What made me want to message them? I guess at times of crisis and threat – aum -, you might feel more poignantly anyone who had ever stained your heart?

Aum.

Self-awareness was now a tool for my self-improvement box.

I realised as I spelt it out to someone yesterday – because I’m not afraid to spend my life alone, I’m happy -, I realised, “but I *want* to feel that mutual, undeniable, world-shaking love that builds (instead of destructs) and creates the best version of yourself that can only be gained from two people’s investment in each other.”

Yes, you get the challenge that only an invested person gives when they really care from friends and family members, but a romantic relationship is different.

Aum.

The pattern.

It needed to change.

What had instigated the idea to message them? To remind myself of that feeling of want, need and rejection? Heart-flagellation. Probably a weird forgotten dream. Or maybe I cared about their lives? Love left interest, didn’t it? Who knew?

But fuck that. FUCK IT.

At 35, I’m an amateur in love. If all ages are now at risk of Corona, maybe many of us will remain amateurs for a very long time. Isolation isn’t conducive to a love life.

“Stay home, die alone.”

Aum.

“Stay home, meditate.”

I didn’t message either of them.

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