10th October

You ever seen someone who can't sleep? Who tosses and turns and tosses. Their body like an emaciated eight year old. Gaze. See how they wriggle. One long thick vein following the twig-like arm to a huge hand. A hand made for cooking and holding. The blanket is thick with a lion on front. Stare.... Continue Reading →

28th September

Cancer. An extra family limb of unsurpassable weight that we drag around. Turns dreams to nightmares. Holidays to wanna-go-homes. Food to unfanciable. The future to unforgivable. Its mass grows and grows. Casts a shadow over everything. How can I see your smile and the fact that you got out of bed today when I miss... Continue Reading →

20th July 2019

This week we shaved your hair. It dropped, we collected dreadlocks. You selected. Thick, thin, those divided into two or three at the bottom and chose between us who would bequeath. Some of us weaved it into ours. I cursed my hair for the millionth time for being so white, so white it wouldn't clutch... Continue Reading →

11:35pm 28th April 2019

I love when he takes my hand. It saddens me too. Sat on the sofa, our legs spread like starfish watching Victoria. Not royalists, but we love period dramas. He may comment on the fish tank, the lunar, the clam, the shrimp, as though they're the school project he never had, or us lot who... Continue Reading →

5am 26th April 2019

In the witching hour when all is dark and still I come to believe my heart is a pin cushion. The pins are X-rays, doctors' words, nurses' faces full of pity, MacMillan leaflets, statistics, paracetamol, naproxen, morphine, fentanyl, "therapy" - radio radio radio chemo chemo chemo clinical trials. Spread. Spread. Spread. They should have should... Continue Reading →

14th March 2019

The snake wraps around the grooves of my brain, the ventricles of my heart, constricts my lungs, flips my tummy with flicking tongue. Most active in the early hours. I obsess, (stop thinking, oops, I'm off again) over him needing salad. If I could I'd eat elephant-sized iceberg lettuces everyday for his nutrient-craving body. The... Continue Reading →

2nd March 2019

When I have a drink in bed, the mattress could be anything, a raft, an island, a flying carpet. 8pm in bed on a Saturday night? In my 20s I swore I'd party my whole life. I was right. Except now the party isn't a Saturday night, the party is in my soul. It's gratitude... Continue Reading →

26th February 2019

Sat together, he closes his eyes and I think the same old thing that's looped over, over, over for two years. Let us find the cure to heal his body, save his life and give me many, many, many more nights of him snoring lightly, quietly, peacefully beside me on this brown leather sofa. His... Continue Reading →

5:30am 22nd February 2019

She realised she must be grateful for fucked up shit. They were still alive. Impossible thought! But in the early morning, she felt a new day. Blessing. The smell of onions on her washed hands was life now. They cooked together. Some days they chanted, cross-legged, closed-eyes, holding hands. Other days he'd walk. Deep breaths.... Continue Reading →

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